Monday, 2 June 2008

- George Bush’s Secrets to Better Golf

George Bush’s Secrets to Better Golf
by: Karen Fish

Cheat. Lie. Intimidate. These are the true fundamentals of golf. If George W. Bush shoots a 7 on the par 5 9th hole and his playing partner Rex W. Tillerson the CEO of Exxon Mobil asks the President of the United States of America what he shot, George W. Bush says “Put me down for a 5.”

George W. Bush and Rex W. Tillerson are walking down the 10th fairway at the Cape Arundel Golf Club in Kennebunkport Maine surrounded by 10 heavily armed secret service agents. What is Rex W. Tillerson supposed to say to George Bush? “No, I’m sorry Mr. President you shot a 7 on the last hole, not a 5?” By the time Rex got the words out he would be gunned down into the dirt. The secret service agents have been given their orders in advance. Lets say that Rex actually pointed out the President’s error to him and lived to talk about it. President Bush would merely break into song, with the vocally trained secret service agents as his back up singers singing “I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden.”

In 1921 renowned golf course architect Walter Travis redesigned the Cape Arundel Golf Course at 19 River Road, Kennebunkport, Maine, just down the road from the George Bush seaside compound. George Bush Sr. bought the beautiful home to keep up with the Kennedys. Walter Travis said of the Cape Arundel Golf Course he designed, “A really good golf course must abound in hazards, and good courses develop good players. Trees are non existent, as they should be, and the wind should always be an ever present factor on such a course. The greens are real beauties and will delight the soul of any real golfer.” This assumes that the golfer has a soul. To make the course more challenging, Mr. Travis placed improvised explosive devices on several of the cart paths. He was a true visionary.

It’s amazing how golfers tie their entire sense of self worth to the way they are hitting the golf ball. Robert Trent Jones designed the Shady Oaks Golf Course in Fort Worth Texas, another Bush family favorite. Robert Trent Jones redesigned Augusta National in the late 1940’s. Robert Trent Jones believed that golf should be a no risk, no reward sport. His golf courses encouraged daring play. Eminem wrote a song called “The Real Slim Shady” in which he says, “We aint nothing but mammals, well some of us cannibals who cut other people up like cantaloupes.”

In “The Silence of the Lambs”, serial killer Buffalo Bill kidnaps and skins Kathy Martin, the daughter of Ruth Martin, the United States Senator from Tennessee. The famed forensic psychiatrist and serial killer cannibal Hannibal Lecter gives a riddle to young FBI agent Clarice Starling which leads Clarice to a rent a storage facility and the car of Benjamin Raspail, a former patient of Dr. Lecter. Hidden in the parked car is the severed head in a jar of Benjamin Raspail. This was Dr. Lecter’s way of teaching his student to keep his head still on the backswing and the downswing until the swinging of the arms on the follow through brings the head up.

It’s one thing to tell the average golfer to keep her head still. The fact is that a steady head is often the result of the movement of other body parts during the swing. Twenty thousand American men and women so far have left their body parts in the sands of Babylon. Butch Harmon, the former coach of Tiger Woods recently taught Phil Mickelson that the way to keep his head still on the backswing and cure his overswing was to keep his right knee firm and flexed on the backswing instead of straightening it out. Somehow Phil Mickelson won 30 PGA tournaments and 2 Masters at Augusta National straightening his right knee on the backswing and overswinging under the tutelage of his former coach Rick Smith. At least Rick Smith didn’t have Phil Mickelson hacking balls endlessly out of the rough at Oakmont in preparation H. for the U.S. Open until lefty developed chronic carpal tunnel syndrome and then sending him out to compete with one arm.

Christie Kerr recently won the U.S. Open golf tournament at Pine Needles by two shots over Lorena Ochoa and Angela Park. After her victory on the eighteenth green Christie Kerr ran over to her new husband Erik Stevens, jumped up on him, wrapped her arms around his neck, and her legs around his lower body, and hung there in suspension until all thoughts of Hale Irwin running around the green high fiving the gallery disappeared from the collective American consciousness. There are many ways to begin the downswing with the lower body, most of which lead to disaster. Jack Nicklaus, the Golden Bear recommends beginning the downswing by rolling the right ankle laterally and not allowing your head to ride forward. This is the secret to beginning the downswing properly, as it will drop your passive hands and arms to shoulder height from where you can then rotate your left forearm in a counter clockwise motion to the finish. However, George Bush says, “When you roll your right ankle laterally to begin the downswing, make sure that your right foot remains planted and no part of it comes off of the ground, otherwise you wil slide and come over the top, and you will shank, like I did by invading Iraq. I’m very sorry. My fellow Americans and Jesus, please forgive me for I knew not what I was doing.”

- Prehistoric Camel Found At Wal-Mart Dig

Prehistoric Camel Found At Wal-Mart Dig
by: Tom Attea

Sure, Wal-Mart carries a big inventory, but how about a prehistoric camel?

A nursery owner in Arizona was digging away with the simple goal of planting a new tree at the site of a future Wal-Mart, when he poked into the bones of an ancient camel.

He informed the curator of the geology museum at Arizona State University, Brad Archer, who hurried over and confirmed, "There's no question that this is a camel; these creatures walked the land here until about 8,000 years ago, when the same event that wiped out a great deal of mammal life took place."

The obliging owner of the nursery, John Babiarz, has agreed that the bones ought to go to the museum and be put on display.

Wal-Mart, however, has yet to agree and the rumor is the bones may go on sale.

An executive of the chain explained, “Since they found the camel on our property, it’s merchandise.”

The possibility of camel bones for sale has aroused resistance among local merchants, who fear having the ancient bones for sale will give Wal-Mart an unfair advantage.

“I don’t mind competing with Wal-Mart,” one store owner said, “but you can’t give them a big edge like a discount on old camel bones.”

- Cheryl Crow Touches Carl Rove; Arm Falls Off

Cheryl Crow Touches Carl Rove; Arm Falls Off
by: Tom Attea

During a White House Correspondents Dinner, Cheryl Crow, who, with Laurie David, is doing a Stop Global Warming College Tour, went up to Carl Rove, hoping to discuss the environmental issue with him.

Carl didn't seem overly pleased with the subject matter.

Unaware of just how toxic his response might be, Cheryl touched his arm to soothe his irascible behavior.

"Don't touch me!" he barked at her, provoking some discussion as to the stability of his psychological state.

Cheryl beat a quick retreat, never suspecting that later in the evening her arm would fall off.

She was rushed to the hospital, where it was reattached, and she continued her environmentally correct tour.

- Democrats Urge George Bush To Run For Third Term

Democrats Urge George Bush To Run For Third Term
by: Tom Attea

Congressional Democrats, delighted with George Bush’s stubborn resistance to their every request, have invited him to run for a third term. Forgoing support for their own roster of Democratic candidates, they have offered to vote for an exception to the 2-term limit.

Senator Harry Reid, outspoken opponent of the war in Iraq said, “We’re just having such a darn good time failing to get the President to listen to common sense that we’d like to keep it up for four more years. Think how dull it will be having someone who’s actually responsive to Congress.”

Bush seemed pleased by the offer, saying, “I’ve been concerned that, if by a long shot, a Democrat gets elected, my policy on Iraq might get changed. So I welcome the Democratic initiative to help me keep the war on track.”

Hillary Clinton, a bit miffed by her loss of Democratic support, commented, “I just don’t understand what Democrats are doing asking George Bush to run for another four years when they could have just as much fun bashing me.”

Senator Barack Obama joined in the disinclination to support the initiative, saying, “While I understand the entertainment value four more years of George Bush would offer the Democratic party, support for this alarming idea is enough to make me consider becoming a Republican.”

Exactly how the new Democratic push to reelect President Bush will work out remains uncertain. Apparently, their support for it depends on the unwavering obstinacy of the President.

- A Treasure Chest for People Who Love Funny Clothing

A Treasure Chest for People Who Love Funny Clothing
by: Michael D’Elena

I have always been a big fan of funny clothing. I am always on the look out for all types of funny clothing, especially when I am out of town. You see, funny t-shirt are the thing in our city and practically everybody has one. Well this has become a disadvantage, at least in my own point of view. I just hate bumping into someone with an exact same shirt as mine. So I like to buy my funny clothing somewhere outside the city; but only until I happened upon a wonderful website. It’s called recklessts.com. You open the page and you’re greeted with amazing funny tees. It’s practically a treasure chest for me. What is even better about the site is that you don’t only get funny tees, but you get original funny t-shirts. Now I don’t have to worry about embarrassing encounters with people wearing identical shirts.

Now let me stress this—recklessts.com offers not only unique funny tees but hilarious tees at that. By this I mean really funny shirts. Now you’ll have people laughing out loud. You can’t get any cooler than that. And because they’re unique, you are assured that you are not wearing yet another old joke. Most of their humorous T-shirts are not very wholesome. Well, this is the exact reason why I like them. Whenever my Mom gives me “her look,” I simply say,” Mom, we call that wit.”

Don’t get the wrong idea. Recklessts.com is not all about t-shirts. As a matter of fact, they now offer funny hats too. Now I can have a whole new range of collection. And did I mention that they offer custom screen printing in Tempe Arizona?

Not only does the website offer amazing products but it also provides great customer service. Ordering is pretty simple. You simply click on the product you wish to purchase (plus the size of your choice). After which you click on the button that says “ADD TO CART.” Then the site will do the rest. You will be automatically transferred to PayPal’s shopping cart where you only have to enter your shipping information and the payment method of your choice and you’re done with the transaction. If you still find this simple procedure a hassle, you hold the option of calling Recklessts.com via telephone no. (480) 678-4488.

Another wonderful thing about Recklessts.com is its Return Policy. The site guarantees refund for shirts that are returned unworn and unwashed within 30 days of purchase. This is one feature I don’t need though. I have always been satisfied by the shirts I order from the site. I find the site’s privacy policy more important. You see, I am a security buff. I worry about identity thieves who manage to steal from people’s credit card accounts. Credit card security is one area where I lose my sense of humor. It’s all business for me. It’s a good thing Recklessts.com uses PayPal, a secure network that is well worth my trust

- Viral Video Quickly Becoming Its Own Genre

Viral Video Quickly Becoming Its Own Genre
by: John Heritage

What works as viral video? What type of video are you, as the viewer, going to want to forward to all your friends, and they, in turn, will want to forward to all their friends, and so on until the “virus” effect of the video has spread to millions?

There are no definite, key examples of what makes a video become viral.

The Videos That Have Become Viral

Why did the Paul Potts video (from Britain’s Got Talent) get 17 million views on YouTube? Because it’s inspirational.

Why did Will Ferrell’s The Landlord become the backbone of his entire Funnyordie website? Because it was funny, and, more importantly, had Will Ferrell in it.

Why did the Cheerleader Getting Run over by a football team become viral? Because it was extreme?

Why did 2 Girls 1 Cup (we refuse to link this video), the single most disgusting and abhorrent video of all time become viral? More on that later.

Do these videos have anything in common? Do they have one identifiable trait that makes them marketable?

“These videos have something inherent in them that makes people want to watch them over and over,” explains Chris, a prominent Independent film Producer from Los Angeles, “There’s no rhyme or reason and there’s no pre-defined set of qualifications.”

“I’ve seen videos fail that featured huge stars and good writing… and they were funny,” states Joey, a Hollywood writer, “They just didn’t have that viral nature.”

Or in the case of a video like The Glitch, featuring American Pie’s Jason Biggs… a little too long.

“People have 30 seconds to 2 minutes to watch a clip at work before they’re caught,” says Tom, an Actor from Los Angeles, “they don’t have 8-10 minutes!”

The Most Disgusting Video Ever - Why Are People Watching It?

2 Girls 1 Cup is perhaps the most graphically disgusting video of all time. It features two women feasting on, let’s just say “fecal matter”. Why did everyone pay attention to it? What was the attraction? It’s unknown.

After that video went viral, a stream of “reaction” videos surfaced. These videos were basically friends filming other friends watching 2 Girls 1 Cup and trying to catch their reaction, which most of the time was a gut wrenching puke.

These reaction videos became more popular than the original video itself, but also served to market the original video unintentionally, with the logic being, “If the reaction is so bad, I’ve gotta see it!”

There are even phony “spoof” reaction videos popping up, the newest of which is Kermit the Frog watching the video and reacting with profanity.

Another spoof is “2 Guys 1 Cup featuring John Mayer”, which happens to be a non offensive video set to the same music but featuring two guys sharing a cup of ice-cream.

Hard to Define

Viral video is hard to define, but it is quickly becoming its own genre.

I had a college professor once, in an attempt to define poetry, say this:

“Poetry is like pornography. It’s tough to define, but you know it when you see it.”

Substitute “Viral Video” for “Poetry” and you have a definition of the viral video genre worthy of Websters.

- Comeback of the Mustache? I Don't Think So

Comeback of the Mustache? I Don't Think So
by: Auria Cortes

There is an ugly rumor circulating about the return of the 1970s mustache-wearing male finding his way to the 21st century. Is this a backlash to the metrosexual era? Is this a way for the "regular guy" to reclaim his masculinity? Is this a way of making food stuck to a man's face acceptable?

As a single woman, I strongly object to this horrific trend.

I'm not going to throw around careless accusations against facial hair. That just wouldn’t be right. Rather, my approach will be fair and balanced. You know, the reporting style made famous by Fox News.

For starters, the mustache reminds me of 1970s porn. As a kid, I wasn't always able to recognize the vital body parts through the scrambled Playboy Channel, but I could always tell if the man was wearing a mustache. Not a sexy scene, my friends.

Sticking with the 1970s theme, my father sported a mustache back then, and I don't want to date a man that resembles him. That's taking the Father Complex theory way too far.

Most importantly, I have very sensitive skin. In fact, so sensitive that I once went out on a date with a man that had facial hair and after three hours of lip smacking, my skin became so irritated that I developed a rash. Sure, you can make the argument that the rash was due to the marathon-long make-out session, not the mustache per se, but this isn’t a time to be logical. Let's keep the focus of this post where it belongs, on the ill-conceived return of the mustache.

I'm not prejudiced; I'm against all mustaches.

Pencil mustache? No way. It reminds me of John Waters.

The toothbrush? Um, no. Charlie Chaplin donned that one for a reason: it's funny-looking.

Horseshoe-style mustache? Nice try. Hulk Hogan can get away with it is because wrestlers are cartoon-like.

Magnum, P. I. mustache? Oh, now you're playing dirty (I like that), but chances are you don't look like Tom Selleck. Psssssst. If you share his rugged good looks, e-mail me your digits.

Guys, take it from me. I won't steer you wrong. There is a reason the mustache trend died a slow death. Here's a hint: men aren't supposed to be walking buffets, able to select from an assortment of late-night snacks trapped in their hippielips.

I’m just sayin'

- Would You Kiss My Dog?

Would You Kiss My Dog?
by: Chuck Lunsford

You might think twice before allowing a dog to give you a big wet kiss if you know what I know. I also want to apologize in advance to all dog lovers. I remain an admirer of dogs, just from a distance where my face is out of reach of their over-exuberant tongues.

As a child growing up in the boonies of Alabama we had a succession of dogs, some memorable and some I'd rather forget. One thing they all had in common is a trait all dogs everywhere participate in with gusto, one in which prevents me to this day from allowing a dog anywhere near my mouth.

Early on in life, while still blissfully unaware, I had no qualms in allowing the current family's dog the liberty of indulging itself in a round of good-natured face-licking. After all this is for most people one of the most endearing aspect of canine ownership, letting the mutt shower them with doggie kisses for as long as the dogs owner could stand it. The pooch thinks it is showing its owner the proper display of submissive behavior and affection and believe me when I tell you that a dog will slobber all over you as long as you allow it.

As I said before, my early years were spent in blissful unawareness of Fido's hygienic tendencies. Thinking about that very aspect of doggie behavior today brings back the gag reflex I experienced when I finally discovered, far too late unfortunately, how the mutt went about its daily ablutions.

The dog we had at the time, if I recall, was a stray that sort of drifted in one day and decided to stay and see which way the wind blew. I saw him as companion for my many explorations back into the hills and ridges of the Appalachians. To give credit where credit is due I will say that dog was a champion walker. He would accompany me as long and as far as I asked him too.

Now to the gist of this story. I remember it was a scorching hot August day. One of those kind of days where the air was thick and hard to breath. Anyway I was lounging on the front porch, enjoying a cold drink, and not paying attention to anything in particular. A movement caught my eye and I saw our dog coming down the road towards the house, returning from who knows what type of foray. About a block from the property I saw him stop suddenly and peer intently at something at his feet. Then he eased himself down onto the ground and started rolling around on his back, legs flailing the air, tongue lolling out, and appearing to be in a state of puppy bliss. Needless to say this aroused my attention. I stood up and wandered over to see what had gotten the dog all excited. Was there such a thing as dognip?

Arriving on the scene my eyes were met with the disgusting spectacle of the dog rolling in the partially decomposed remains of some poor creature that wasn't able to dodge fast enough. The way the dog was carrying on you would have thought he had discovered the next greatest scent guaranteed to sweep the lady dogs off their feet. He spent a good ten minutes covering every square inch of his body with the essence of the carcass. He even belly-crawled over it a few times just to make sure no spot was missed.

Once he completed this gruesome task he stood up, shook himself off, gave me a sideways glance, and headed for the porch. I stood there in shock for a second, barely able to believe what I had just witnessed. Finally gathering my wits about me I decided it would be prudent to put as much distance between me and the dog as possible. My plan was to casually walk by him (holding my breath of course), enter the front door, and escape quietly out the back door and make for the hills as fast as my legs would carry me for the remainder of the day. My reasoning was if I was several miles away I wouldn't have to put up with the smell and best of all one of the other kids would have to give the dog a bath once the rest of the family caught wind of it.

Just about when I put my hand on the door handle to let myself in I noticed the dog engaged in yet another of the favorite pastimes of dogs everywhere. He had commenced licking himself over every inch of his body that he could reach. My stomach started doing flip-flops because I knew where he had been less than a minute prior, but for some unknown reason I was transfixed. I could not walk away. Some morbid part of me wanted to see just how far and how long this dog would go with this spectacle.

For a good half hour I bore witness as this dog slurped himself from stem to stern, spending an inordinate amount of time in the stern area if you get my meaning. With disgust and fascination I watched the whole gruesome process, sitting down at some point to see if it would help the nausea I felt coming on.

Once his ablutions were over he licked his chops as if he had just finished a choice sirloin, set his sights on me, and before I could react, pounced towards me with a twinkle in his eye and a bounce in his step. Upon later reflection I finally reasoned he wanted to thank me for "sharing" the experience by offering me some of that love and affection dogs are famous for.

Instinct took over at that point and I engaged in a hasty retreat, crab-walking backwards with the dog getting ever closer, intent on showering me with attention. I stumbled slightly and he saw this as his chance. He lunged at my face with his mouth open and his tongue ready to give me the love and affection he felt I deserved as his master.

Things moved pretty much in a blur at this point which is understandable considering the speed in which I moved. I vaguely remember attempting to pull my head down between my shoulders like a turtle to prevent direct contact while at the same time levitating myself to the porch railing, just barely escaping the dog and his cesspool of a mouth.

Realizing he had missed his chance he looked a little contrite and hurt that I should deny him what he felt was his righteous duty. Between a fit of hyper-gagging and impaired vision brought on by the fumes emanating wafting about the porch I managed to warn him off and escaped into the house.

After awhile I calmed myself down and started thinking about my previous escape plan and the possibility of putting it into action while I still could when I was overcome with a sudden sense of dread. I suddenly remembered that the previous day I had allowed this same dog, the very one who had just spent almost an hour in the most revolting display I had ever witnessed, kiss me square on the mouth.

I wont go into what happened next other than to say it took me about a week, three giant tubes of toothpaste, and a couple of king-sized bottles of Listerine before I got the taste out of my mouth.

Think about it folks. You might want to reconsider if PoochyPoo and his dog bad breath want to share with you where his tongue has been just before he came over to give you a smack on the lips.

- Some of the Humorous Latest Sardar Jokes

Some of the Humorous Latest Sardar Jokes
by: Rahul Roy

If you visit Indian and some neighboring countries of it, you’ll hear lots of bone tickling jokes. And among all funny and humorous jokes you’ll certainly hear Sardar jokes. These Sardar are the residents of Punjab (one of the state of India), they are famous for their jokes which are very humorous.

It is hard to locate when the first Sardar jokes was said or who was the first one to say those jokes but the jokes regarding them are still very famous as they were in the past. People enjoy Sardar jokes more rather than other jokes.

In these jokes the behavior of Sardar are reflected in humorous manner so that they sound funny and create laughter. You might be wondering as what are these Sardar jokes… Here are of the latest Sardar jokes:

Once a Hindu, a Muslim and our dear Santa Singh were standing together . An Englishman came up and asked, “Hey guys, what is your favorite flower?”

The Hindu replied, ‘Lotus’
‘Ha, I clean my shit with that!’ the Englishman jeered.

The Hindu got angry, the lotus being our national flower.

The Muslim replied: “Chameli”
‘Ha I clean my shit with that!’ The Englishman response

The Muslim also got angry but kept quite.

The Englishman asked Santa, ‘Sardarji, and what is your favorite flower?’
Patriotic Santa replied: ‘Cactus! and replied, “Now clean your ass with that!”

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Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.

Jasmeet: “What are you searching for?”

Santa Singh: “Hidden camera!”

Jasmeet: “And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?”

Santa Singh: “That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, you are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?”

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Banta Singh wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says: Let’s put, “you are not getting older you are getting better”.

The salesman asks, “How do you want me to put it?”

Sardar says, well put “You are not getting older”, at the top and “You are getting better” at the bottom.

The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

“You are not getting older at the top; you are getting better at the bottom”.

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These were some of the funny latest Sardar jokes. You can find a huge collection of these jokes on web. These jokes are really a good opener of laughter. So if you are lonely and bored, don‘t hesitate to find some latest Sardar jokes on web and have fun reading them.

- Drive Away The Monotony--Discover The Joy Of Fun Sites

Drive Away The Monotony--Discover The Joy Of Fun Sites
by: Diana Daniels

Tired after a long day at work? Bored with nothing to do? Cheer up and log on to fun sites. Funny pictures, videos, humor, jokes, puzzles, games -you'll find everything packed in these sites that will instantly lighten your mood. You can spend away hours at these sites soaking in all the fun. Fun sites work as great stress-busters offering unadulterated amusement.

In the hectic, packed schedules of the day with deadlines to meet, projects to complete, it is refreshing and relaxing to slip in a bit of breather in the form of browsing fun sites for games humor, etc. Or when you are whiling away your time, with nothing to occupy you, fun sites are a great way to spend time. Fun sites come in a number of categories catering to children and adults.

Fun sites provide games, cartoons, funny pictures and videos, puzzles, and lots of other stuff that will amuse and entertain. There are humor videos to tickle the funny bones-from amusing home videos to funny situations captured on tape. People love watching these videos as they give them mirth and joy. Humor is one all encompassing quality that connects us all. Users can create their own accounts at these sites and upload videos and pictures for thousands to share. There are thousands of funny pictures, cartoons to browse through that are sure to elicit hearty laughter. The simple visual appeal of these pictures and videos make these sites so popular.

Users can also chose to play a variety of online games like shooting games, racing games, arcade games, puzzle games and many more. Become a race car driver or shoot aliens, play alone or compete with other players-exciting and appealing once you are hooked on to these games, your spare times will become so much more enjoyable .If one is looking for a little bit of brain stimulation they can opt to solve puzzles or answer riddles which is also provided by these sites and find them a delightful way to pass time. Owing to their immense popularity, hordes of fun sites are now available over the net and users are spoilt for choices.

It is said laughter is the best medicine--a healthy dose of laughter drives away the blues and keeps our minds refreshed and rejuvenated. In the hectic pace of daily life, it is a lesson often hard to follow. But with fun sites it becomes easier to bring back the laughter and humor in our lives. Be it playing online games, watching humor videos, flipping through funny pictures or solving puzzles, driving away boredom is just one mouse-click away.

- Music Biz Ails; Columbia Hires Canary As Consultant

Music Biz Ails; Columbia Hires Canary As Consultant
by: Tom Attea

The music business has found the answer to its mounting ails, which all the iPod world knows: album sales being replaced by singles downloads, Tower Records closing, and Borders apparently not having a clue about what music to stock.

But now there seems to be hope on the horizon. Columbia Records is trying a radical new experiment. The record giant and a principle perpetrator of musical nonsense on an overly obliging public has retained a canary, much as songbirds have been employed to detect, by passing out, the presence of poison gas.

The job of the tuneful bird is to provide the executives in the A & R department with a reality check as to what a good song is.

Here’s the new protocol. First the staff listens to a new track. If they think it has potential, they play it for the tweety bird. If it starts to sing along, they can present the ditty to management for probable release.

On the other hand, if the canary just stares in silence or falls off its perch, the track is to be considered not music.

Rumor has it that the music business may be remade toward a new melodiousness. So far the hipsters in pop and rap at Columbia’s A & R department have played over a hundred selects for the canary. Yet they have not managed to play even one that has inspired the bird to sing along.

Since the canary is nature’s own expert on song, there’s just no way to get around the fact that the singing creature is the ideal arbiter of tuneful music.

Of course, A & R has grown somewhat impatient with the rigorous new standard, but management cannot afford to relent.

In fact, the chairman of Columbia has posted a sign in the A & R department that says, “If going into the woods to listen to birdsong was good enough for Beethoven, it’s good enough for us.”

So the A & R staffers, much to their reluctant tutelage, find themselves with only one choice: Listen to that bird.

- Senator Craig Re-Explains Upturned Hand; Says He Was Panhandling

Senator Craig Re-Explains Upturned Hand; Says He Was Panhandling
by: Tom Attea

Senator Larry Craig has re-explained why his palm was turned up.

He is said to have told reporters, “Originally, I said I was picking up a piece of paper. But now I confess. I was panhandling. You see, I left my wallet at home.”

A reported asked why he changed his story.

“To tell you the truth, until now, I’ve been ashamed to tell the truth. You see, I’d never want anybody to think a US Senator would have to beg for money, especially in an airport restroom. But the truth is, I was hungry, I was broke, and I wanted a Big Mac.”

When the arresting officer was informed of the Senator’s new explanation, he said, “His hand was definitely in a position where he wanted me to drop something in it. But I didn’t hear him say, ‘Brother, can you spare a dime?’”

- Mahmoud And The Talking Camel

Mahmoud And The Talking Camel
by: Tom Attea

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the feisty and foolish President of Iran, was coming back from one of his frequent addresses to students, who always agree with him 100%, when a camel walked out onto the road his limo was zipping along.

“Look, a camel,” called his perceptive driver, slamming on the brakes.

“Just give him a minute,” Mahmoud observed sagely, “and I’m sure he’ll cross the road to get to the other side.”

“Why?” the bodyguard next to the driver asked, inadvertently poking himself in the eye with his AK-47.

“To get a drink of water,” witty Mahmoud suggested.

“Ha,” chuckled the driver and the bodyguard, making up, through their feigned camaraderie, the usual “Ha, ha.”

But, instead of behaving as projected, the camel ambled up to the limo and looked in at Mahmoud. Then, quite to the Mayor-turned-President’s surprise, it began to move its lips as if it was speaking in Farsi.

Ever the obliging pawn of the ruling mullahs, Mahmoud rolled down his window, and asked, “Can I help you?”

“Yez, Prez,” the camel replied, with a curious accent that seemed to be due to its rubbery lips.

Astonished, Mahmoud exclaimed, “How can a camel talk?”

“It’z a zpecial gift from Allah.”

“Really?” the President pondered.

“Yez. There I waz, zleeping by a watering hole last night, when Allah appeared on my back, and zaid, ‘I have a problem.’

“I didn’t know what to say,” the camel went on, “because I didn’t know how to talk.

"Then Allah zaid, ‘Let’z talk.’

“And, suddenly, I knew how.

"So I zaid, ‘Thankz, what’s up?’

“Allah sighed, and told me, ‘Try az I might, I can’t find a zsingle Iranian with the courage to have an honest talk with Mahmoud. Zo I’ve decided to give you the azzignment.’”

“A lowly camel, appearing on behalf of Allah?” Mahmoud questioned.

“No, a camel chozen by Allah,” came the wise reply. “Zo I zaid to Allah, ‘How can I help?’”

“And what did Allah say?” Mahmoud half scoffed.

The camel glanced at the bodyguard with the AK-47 and trembled with fear.

“Relax,” Mahmoud told him. “He won’t shoot. I promise.”

“Thankz,” the camel replied.

“So what did Allah tell you?”

“He said, ‘Go to Mahmoud and tell him he has a suicide wish.’”

“A suicide wish?” Ahmadinejad exclaimed, and jumped out of the limo. “Allah told you that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel said. “Not only that, he said you’re acting it out for the whole nation of Iran.”

“Now, why would I do that?” Mahmoud demanded.

“He zaid you mizinterpreted the Koran.”

“I did?”

“Yez, he said that you think after you die you’ll go to Paradize az a martyr and have a zubliminal wish to go there. But he zaid you forgot that he created you so you would live before you die. In fact, he created the whole univerze so you could live before you die. So ending your life by choice defeatz his primary purpose. Naturally, he’z upzet. Very upzet.”

“But how am I trying to commit suicide?”

“He zaid with your polizy of nuclear development.”

The bodyguard knew any negative talk about the Iranian centrifuge subterfuge would anger Mahmoud, who had somehow conflated the prestige of Iran with his, along with his superintending mullahs’, nuke-a-duke policy. So he hefted his principal means of communication, the AK-47, and asked, “Want me to silence him? I can do it without admitting it.”

“No,” Mahmoud replied insightfully. “A camel who can talk should not be shot.”

The camel did not take the bodyguard’s suggestion in stride, and uttered, “Uh-oh.” Then it turned to trot away.

“Come back here and tell me what else Allah said,” Mahmoud commanded him.

The camel stopped but only to call back, “He zaid you know you’re involved in a gamble you can’t win.”

“He said that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel dared to affirm, and glanced at the bodyguard. “Don’t zhoot or I’ll zhut up.”

“He won’t,” Mahmoud assured the spooked camel, and turned to the bodyguard. “He may be a camel, but he’s a messenger of Allah. So no gunplay.” Then he looked back at the eloquent dromedary. “Did he say why I can’t win?”

“Yez, he zaid that the closer you get to succezz, the more other nationz will want to ztop you.” The camel swallowed hard and blurted out. “They will bomb you before they let you have a bomb.”

“He zaid that?” Mahmoud asked, and then, realizing he had just slipped into the curious accent of the camel, corrected himself. “I mean, he said that?”

“Yez, he did,” the camel confirmed. “Not only zhat, he zaid you’re telling the other countriez you’re only doing it for a reazon that izn’t credible, because Iran haz plenty of oil, so it doesn't need nuclear power for energy.”

“Anything else?” Mahmoud asked, grinding his teeth a bit.

“The most important zing: He told me to tell you to ztop.”

“Or?”

The camel swallowed hard, and then said, “I’m supposed to go from one city to the next and tell people to stop you, so they don’t have to die with you.”

The bodyguard waved his AK-47 in the sun.

The camel noticed it, and said, “Zo, quick! What’s your decision?”

“My decision is, you must be a mirage. Whoever heard of a talking camel – especially one who claims to be a messenger from Allah?”

“I think you’re right, boss,” the bodyguard called, and wiggled his rifle. “Want me to give it the hole-in-the-head test?”

Ahmadinejad took out his handkerchief and wiped his forehead, considering the possibility. Then he said, “Why waste bullets on a mirage?”

Getting back into the limo, he huffed skeptically, “Drive on. And don’t either one of you tell anybody I was talking to a camel.”

- Great Wall Of China To Be Repaired With Lead-Tainted Toys

Great Wall Of China To Be Repaired With Lead-Tainted Toys
by: Tom Attea

Remember the lifelong anxiety you’ve experienced, worrying about the crumbling of The Great Wall of China? Fret no more.

Now, humanity longest tribute to war-wrought paranoia will be on the mend. It seems the enterprising communist nation has an abundant new supply of materials to rebuild it with: The millions of lead-loaded toys, bibs and other children’s paraphernalia its cheapo manufacturers shipped off to Mattel and other toy makers, appalling mothers by the millions.

But, as Confucius say, “Toys made with lead paint eventually return to factory.”

Or, in a more contemporary vein, "From China with lead" is turning into "Back at you from America."

Even as you read this, the varicolored plastic remedy is tending its way toward its eternal destiny, as ships laden with returned Barbie Dolls, Mattel Cars, painted bibs and other infant delights steam toward their disgraced land of origin.

Of course, given the way rocks cobbled together have a way of returning to their place of origin, especially with the steady help of enthusiastic vandals, the ancient enormity has been falling apart almost since it was begun. In fact, today less than half of its 4,000 mile stretch still rises above elevation zero.

And Mao, economic moron that he was, didn’t help the matter. He was unable to envision the stone wonder of the world as anything other than a dispensable feudal curiosity, let alone a hot tourist attraction that could help prop up his decrepit state. So great swaths of it were pulled down and transformed into functional accoutrements of his workers paradise, such as dams, roads, and stone huts.

But now the new communist elite are in receipt of more than enough resilient material to restore the entire length of it.

Redone as a sort of land fill from toy land, the reconstructed immensity will, to the delight of state capitalists everywhere, become a greater wonder for tourists than ever. Imagine the colorful come-visit look of its renewed grandeur, compacted with a rainbow of plastic toys, out of which odd appendages and bumpers poke.

Should such an original method of rebuilding the wall ever become an architectural reality and surefire outrage, what might have become The Great Fall of China may be elevated to an enlarged source of latter-day Chinese prosperity.

- Enjoy These Useless Facts And Fun Trivia Questions And Answers

Enjoy These Useless Facts And Fun Trivia Questions And Answers
by: Deanna Mascle

Question: Which is stronger -- concrete or bone?

Answer: Bone

Useless Fact: Human bones can actually resist 40 times more stress than concrete. Don't believe it is true? Then picture a piece of concrete the size of a bone and imagine how easily it would break.

Question: What bird lays its egg in another bird's nest?

Answer: Cuckoo, Cowbird, Whyda, Honeyguide and Black-headed Duck

Useless Fact: These birds, called brood parasites, lay their eggs in another bird's nest and let the other bird parents feed and raise their chicks. The "egg abandoner" is then free to mate again and lay more eggs in another nest. The cuckoo is the best known brood parasite and an expert in the art of cruel deception. Its strategy involves stealth, surprise and speed. The mother removes one egg laid by the host mother, lays her own and flies off with the host egg in her bill. The whole process takes barely ten seconds. Cuckoos parasitize the nests of a large variety of bird species and carefully mimic the colour and pattern of their own eggs to match that of their hosts. Each female cuckoo specializes on one particular host species. How the cuckoo manages to lay eggs to imitate each host's eggs so accurately is one of nature's main mysteries.

Question: What is the largest invertebrate?

Answer: Colossal Squid

Useless Fact: A species of squid reported to be significantly larger than the giant squid, is called the Colossal squid, officially named Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni. In February 2007 a live colossal squid was brought to the surface in Antarctic waters by a New Zealand fishing boat. This enormous squid, which was determined to be a male of the species, was 10 meters (32.8 feet), and weighed 450 kilograms (992 pounds), making it the largest squid (the largest invertebrate) ever captured. What is even more astonishing is that, from what scientists know about squid species in general, there is great sexual dimorphism in squids, with females being significantly larger than the males. If that holds true for the Colossal squid, this male specimen that was captured could very well be dwarfed by a much larger female of the species.

Question: What does the first letter of a radio station's call sign mean?

Answer: The location of the station

Useless Fact: Generally, in the United States, call signs begin with K west of the Mississippi River, and W to the east.

Question: Where was the first McD0nald's located?

Answer: Arcada, California

Useless Fact: Brothers Dick and Mac McDonald open a hot dog stand called the Airdome in Arcadia, California. In 1940, the brothers move to San Bernardino, California, on Route 66. After noting that almost all of their profits came from hamburgers, the brothers close down the restaurant for several months in 1948 to implement their innovative "Speedee Service System", a streamlined assembly line for hamburgers.

Question: What is the largest insect?

Answer: Acteon Beetle or Longhorn Beetle

Useless Fact: There are different ways of measuring the size of an insect, most people would consider the largest insect to be the bulkiest and in that case the largest insect is the Acteaeom Beetle from South America. The male beetles can be 9cms long by 5cms wide by 4cms thick. If you want to measure largest by overall size, check out the South American Longhorn Beetle (Titanus giganteus) these giants can be over 16cms in body length (not including antennae) One other beetle, Dynastes hercules is also well known for reaching 16cms in length though it is not nearly as heavy. The longest insect in the world is the Stick-Insect (Pharnacia serritypes), the females of which can be over 36cm long.

- Find a Reason to Smile More with Fun Sites

Find a Reason to Smile More with Fun Sites
by: Diana Daniels

Are we losing out the fun from our lives? Is the mad rat race squeezing out the humor from our lives? Humor is the all essential ingredient for leading a healthy, positive life.The monotony of existence, the same old routine of everyday-sprinkle humor onto it and the drudgery of life becomes more bearable. When we are hanging out with friends and having a good laugh, for those few precious moments we are able to leave behind all the worries, pains, and pressures of existence. So what do you do when you are badly in need of a good laugh? As it is the medium we turn to for almost everything, the answer here is again the internet. And the internet has plenty of sites that will bring an instant smile to your faces. Fun sites, as they are categorized as, are a treasure trove of humor videos, pictures, games, puzzles, riddles and tons more, that will entertain you and captivate you.

Once hooked on to these sites, you would not even realize how time will fly. It is like hanging out with your buddies again, laughing, enjoying and having fun. There is so much to choose from at these sites, from funny videos to music to games and more. Once you find yourself in the world of fun sites it is hard to let go. These sites have a legion of dedicated fans that are growing everyday. Sensing their popularity among net users, there are now tons of fun sites available and more are being added every day.

Fun sites not only provide hours of amusement for you, they are also a forum where you can meet and interact with other fans of such fun sites. Upload your funny videos and share it with other users or challenge them to a game and you will no longer feel starved for fun company.

Fun sites not only provide entertainment but can be educational too. There are a number of fun sites available for children that make learning fun, through games, puzzles etc. Do you need your daily dose of entertainment news? Well fun sites cater to that too. All that you need to drive the blues away, you will find at these fun sites.

As they say it costs nothing to smile, but it will brighten up your day, so smile more and spread the joy around.Fun sites give you the opportunity to bring the humor back to your lives and more and more people are turning to these sites to get their daily dose of fun. You can jump on the bandwagon too and enjoy the joyride -that is fun sites.

- How and When To Make Humour at Work!

How and When To Make Humour at Work!
by: Lionel Estridge

A good laugh will do wonders for you as smiling and laughing lowers your stress levels, wins you a friendly reputation, and helps your usually tense co-workers and bosses to relax.

Humour on the job will do a lot for your career, but there are a number of things you need to know about laughter and humour in the place of work.

Feeling good and having humour in our lives can do wonders for our position and productivity, which means that there is definitely a place for some humour on the job. Having a smiling face will help your co-workers and supervisors feel better being around you, and you may well end up reaping rewards by laughing more in the workplace. But you need to know how to apply humour in your work environment.

Laughing has been proven to be a huge stress reliever, letting you feel better and becoming more productive. To be able to loosen up and have some fun is great, so why not take that approach to work each day and lighten up around the work place? Smiling can make your job easier, more than ever if you work in customer service or sales. But there's certainly a right and incorrect way to use humour in the workplace.

One of the main rules with humour in the workplace is to avoid controversy when you are joking on the job. Stay well away from joking about political affairs, race and religion.

Sex is another unsafe topic because of sexual harassment in the workplace. Make sure that you stay well within the lines of decency.

Never make fun at other people within your organization, as you are trying to win friends with the people you work with, and not set against them. If you can't help yourself, please be extremely careful.

Poking fun at the work you do or the industry you work in is a good way to earn some smiles from your co-workers and supervisors. While these types of workplace jokes may not be so funny at home or with friends, as they really don't appreciate the pressures of your employment, the people who are around you in your job will definitely appreciate the humour about their frustrations and will be able to laugh over the situations instead of complaining.

Making jokes about the ups and downs of your trade is a safe way to add wit to the place of work. You will have the benefit of knowing precisely what your co-workers have to face each and every day, and it's much better as it helps to let go of tensions and lower stress levels by getting them to chuckle about the situations they come across frequently.

The very best time for some humour is when you are not working, but still in the region of the people you work with, such as a coffee or lunch break. You can also make an effort to be funny on the job, but when you are working, it's a good idea to use jokes much more thinly than you would normally do.

In general, humour in the workplace is a superb area to flex your creative muscles and give your job a little boost.

Humour in the workplace helps stress levels to drop, and your co-workers will feel better about working with you. Start gradually, and add a few more safe jokes here and there to incite a few smiles. Everyone will feel better because of your efforts.

- Advice to King Dave of the Isle of Man

Advice to King Dave of the Isle of Man
by: Louis Rosas-Guyon III

To HM King David of the Isle of Mann (or Man), cousin to Queen Elizabeth II, come forth, I, your Not-So-Humble Servant to render such Wisdom as I can…

For about ten minutes today, David Howe, a 38 year old businessman from Maryland commanded the front page on FoxNews.Com with the story of his Coronation. In 2006 some Brit genealogist called to tell him that he might have a claim to the throne of the Isle of Mann (or Man). So, he filled out the right forms and sent them to Her Majesty's Stationary Office which after a 90 day review period approved his Royal application. Apparently they sent him a crown, a royal robe and a spoon. Some Kings get swords, others get scepters, but David gets a spoon.

My favorite part of the story is the reaction from the people of the Isle of Man, which I think can best be summed up as: "Who?" The elected government of the Isle of Man is probably still laughing themselves senseless. They are so disrespectful of their new King that the official government website has no mention of his coronation. Well King David, it looks like you'll need to stage an invasion to enforce Your Royal Rights. I recommend you look into some the old laws on how to execute traitors. That's how you get medieval on their butts.

The best part about this story is that HM (that's His Majesty, to you) King David has a lovely website. On his home page under an enormous picture of him, he details his efforts to provide aide for the poor AIDS afflicted children of Insert African Nation Here. Even Americans know you cannot be a Royal unless you have some charity to support. Especially useful are those charities that show you pictures of starving children. Those work best of all. Good choice there, Your Majesty. You hit that nail right on the head.

But if you do a little digging into the Royal website you find his Royal Pedigree. You know, like they do with dogs. Not only does he include his family tree proving his Royal Title, but he also proves that he is a cousin to the Royal Family of Great Britain. Wow, he's cousins with the Queen! Let's get something straight; I'm no genealogist but it seems to me when you cast such an enormous net (like the Cousin's Net), you are probably also related to Cher, Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney. I recommend that you lose the whole Cousins thing. Let's agree that you are only allowed to be a Royal Cousin if they invite you over for tea.

Also, if you take the time to look at his Pedigree you may notice that he has achieved his gentle rank through marriage. Now, that is perfectly legitimate. But, does that mean he's Royal by insertion? If so, then good job King David! I always heard you were supposed to pull your Sword out of the stone. It just goes to show that you cannot trust legends. But it might damage your macho image, so I would dump that webpage too.

Now, there's the matter of Royal Revenue. Until you conquer your island you can't collect taxes. But I have solved that for you! Just sell Knighthoods! There are tons of obnoxious idiots who would pay dearly for a title. I would add a web store and sell them that way. Between the money you can make from titles and the cash that will come in from your charity, you should have a pretty nice war chest.

To invade, you will need an army. And let's face it, no regular mercenary army will do. You need to show your subjects that you mean business and will not tolerate anything but total loyalty. For that mission, I can only recommend Blackwater. It might take up some of the money for the African kids, but you can always pay them back later.

Anyway, I hope you look charitably on Your Servant for his Words of Wisdom and that Your Majesty remembers to send me money when you use any of these ideas.

- A Humorous Bow Hunting Story

A Humorous Bow Hunting Story
by: Patty Pinkerton

A man and his friend were bow hunting elk in the Colorado mountains near Stoner Colorado. They rode their horse's from early morning until late evening. The high mountain terrain was very rough with tree's blown down and large boulders in the path. Their horse's had to step very carefully or chance breaking a leg.

With no sign of any elk the man told his friend that the elk must have all moved to the lower country. They decided to go down and try again the next day. The next morning the man and his friend decided to hunt closer to the town of Stoner.

They hunted most of the morning with no luck, the sky was clear and it was a beautiful day. As they got closer to the black top highway they saw a herd of cow elk. In the middle of the herd was the biggest bull elk you ever saw.

The hunter got down off of his horse and carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the highway below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I know." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, I was married to her for 25 years."